Resources

hold me tight book

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, PhD (Little, Brown, 2008)

Hold Me Tight is the consumer book outlining EFT. The first part outlines the relationship of attachment theory to an adult model of love. From this model of love and thousands of hours spent watching couples sessions, Sue Johnson developed EFT, a systematic and evidence-based model of couples therapy. The second part talks about the “demon dialogues” or cyclical, negative discussions couples get into. These negative cycles fall into a few categories that she also outlines. After understanding that the cycle is the problem, not the individuals involved, Sue has specific questions each partner can answer to help unravel the repetitive nature of these discussions. While not simplistic, the concepts are intrinsically meaningful and the questions are important. This book can stand alone or be used as an effective adjunct to EFT therapy.
The audio version is well done, but may make it difficult to refer back to the questions for further discussions.

Hold Me Tight

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, PhD (Little, Brown, 2008)

Hold Me Tight is the consumer book outlining EFT. The first part outlines the relationship of attachment theory to an adult model of love. From this model of love and thousands of hours spent watching couples sessions, Sue Johnson developed EFT, a systematic and evidence-based model of couples therapy. The second part talks about the “demon dialogues” or cyclical, negative discussions couples get into. These negative cycles fall into a few categories that she also outlines. After understanding that the cycle is the problem, not the individuals involved, Sue has specific questions each partner can answer to help unravel the repetitive nature of these discussions. While not simplistic, the concepts are intrinsically meaningful and the questions are important. This book can stand alone or be used as an effective adjunct to EFT therapy.

The audio version is well done, but may make it difficult to refer back to the questions for further discussions.

Passionate Marriage

Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, By David Schnarch, Ph.D. (Norton, 1997)

Dr. Schnarch's most recent book has been greatly anticipated by his fans in the marital therapy community. He began his odyssey with a critical attack on the Masters and Johnson-style approach to marital therapy where people focused more on their own physiological responses than one another. In this book he develops a staggering idea: that individuals can learn to be fully who they are with one another and through that intimate exposure find themselves awake with sexual energy. Amazingly, he says this individual exposure is not even predicated on a “nonjudgemental, all accepting response“ from the other. Instead, he places the burden on each person to take responsibility for becoming individuated. Individuation is a tricky concept to communicate and he does a superb job of taking his readers on a journey of self-confrontation. The good news is that emotional maturity makes a difference: "Sexual potential and cellulite are positively correlated." The bad news is that this is not a quick fix; you will need to be willing to explore yourself and your pre-conceptions to benefit from this model.

This book is worth your time, your attention, and many good discussions with the one you love.

Love, Honor & Negotiate

Love, Honor and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work, By Betty Carter, M.S.W. and Joan K. Peters (Pocket Books, 1996)

This book about marriage is about money! Betty Carter, a well-known family therapist, tackles a topic that is almost as taboo as sex. In fact, it is often easier for people in our culture to talk about their sexual fantasies than it is to disclose how much money they make. And those of us doing marital therapy will testify that arguments about money are almost indistinguishable from those about sex.

Ms. Carter, however, takes on a very contemporary issue about money and marriage. Specifically, she looks at the large number of relationships that begin with both spouses on fairly equal financial footing, and then change as one partner (usually the wife) stays home with children. She discusses the shifts in power, decision-making and self-esteem that occur when women stop earning money. It is sometimes very difficult to escape the "one dollar, one vote" orientation that covertly accompanies much marital decision-making.

As a wife and mother, Ms. Carter is not by any means opposed to women staying home. She is, however, opposed to marital systems and self-concepts that generate traditional roles for those who don't want them. I found this book a straightforward and useful approach to financial dilemmas facing many current couples.

The Good Marriage

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, By Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, (Houghton Mifflin, 1995)

Rarely have I thought about a psychology book as frequently as I have Judith Wallerstein’s. She interviewed 50 "happy married" couples to explore how people feel in successful relationships. As she did, she promulgated eight developmental tasks for a successful relationship and four "types" of marriage. The categorization of types of marriage--romantic, rescue, companionate, traditional--has been tremendously useful to me.

However, the real value in this book is simply hearing how people who are happily married talk about their relationships. Some describe an abiding romance, but most discuss a sense of belonging together, a true enjoyment of the other person. There is real variability in how much conflict--and even closeness--couples tolerate, but the absence of contempt and meanness is impressive. "How would I be answering that question?", I asked myself repeatedly. "Have we learned to live with our conflict?", "Are we happily married?". I believe this internal yardstick is the true heart of this book. I heartily recommend it.

Master Your Panic

Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life!, By Denise Beckfield, Paperback (May 1998).

While not about couples, this book can make a real difference in people's lives. It is also the book that most frequently gets borrowed out of my office (and not returned because it's so helpful!) Beckfield makes a compelling case about the relationship between abandonment and panic. From there, she helps people identify the triggers for panic attacks and steps to resetore calm and avert an all-out panic attack. She also offers some cognitive therapy techniques and discusses medication. Since many people get some internal warning that a panic attack is imminent, it's very helpful to have something on the bookshelf to turn to for an instant suggestion.

Reconcilable Differences

Reconcilable Differences, by Andrew Christensen, Neil S. Jacobson (Hardcover)

Some of the most important work on marraiges and couple therapy is happening here in Seattle. Christensen and the late Neil Jacobson have been coordinating a multi-city study on marital therapy. Their approach, integrative couple therapy, focuses on the power struggles that couples confront. Many couples, in fact, are perennially "stuck" in these chronic, painful battles. For some, they're overt, for others, they're silent. Whatever the style, when two people fail to find a path through their differences, both are usually miserable.

Christensen and Jacobson do not give a "7-step approach to a happy marriage." They discuss the inevitability of differences between spouses, and how those differences relate to power and control. The key, they offer, is a different level of empathic understanding, leading to acceptance. One of the first important pieces of change happens when a couple can agree on a way to describe the problem.

The examples they give are very real and their solutions are also real in their complexity and humanity. Each chapter has a suggested exercise or "things to think about" at the end. The journey two people face in trying to live a long life together is often arduous, and I appreciate this book because it offers a real, but not simplistic path.

Lesbian Couples

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships; D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green; Seal Press, 2004.

Seattle psychologists Dorsey Green and Merilee Clunis revised their ground-breaking book in 2004. I believe the important contribution in this book is the emphasis on differentiation: how can two women who love one another feel close and stay individuated over time? How can they build intimacy despite power struggles and homophobia? They incorporate the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman mentioned above. You might also check out their other book: The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children.

Blink

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, by Malcolm Gladwell; Back Bay Books, 2007

For John Gottman fans, Malcolm Gladwell devotes a part of this wildly popular book to understanding the science behind Gottman’s conclusions. Can Gottman really predict divorce in 5 hours? Or 5 minutes? If so, how? How do our brains process extremely subtle pieces of information and is there a particular pattern (like a readout of vocal intonations) that is associated with your marriage? Can this pattern be read by others?

eft workbook for couples

An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald (Routledge, 2014)

This workbook is a great companion piece for couples wanting to supplement their work with an EFT therapist or to try to have their own home-study course. It also is a great follow-up for couples who have been in a Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for Connection workshop. Written by two Vancouver EFT Supervisors, it is written clearly and gives a wealth of useful exercises as well as information about the EFT model.

Hold Me Tight

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, PhD (Little, Brown, 2008)

Hold Me Tight is the consumer book outlining EFT. The first part outlines the relationship of attachment theory to an adult model of love. From this model of love and thousands of hours spent watching couples sessions, Sue Johnson developed EFT, a systematic and evidence-based model of couples therapy. The second part talks about the “demon dialogues” or cyclical, negative discussions couples get into. These negative cycles fall into a few categories that she also outlines. After understanding that the cycle is the problem, not the individuals involved, Sue has specific questions each partner can answer to help unravel the repetitive nature of these discussions. While not simplistic, the concepts are intrinsically meaningful and the questions are important. This book can stand alone or be used as an effective adjunct to EFT therapy.

The audio version is well done, but may make it difficult to refer back to the questions for further discussions.

Passionate Marriage

Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, By David Schnarch, Ph.D. (Norton, 1997)

Dr. Schnarch's most recent book has been greatly anticipated by his fans in the marital therapy community. He began his odyssey with a critical attack on the Masters and Johnson-style approach to marital therapy where people focused more on their own physiological responses than one another. In this book he develops a staggering idea: that individuals can learn to be fully who they are with one another and through that intimate exposure find themselves awake with sexual energy. Amazingly, he says this individual exposure is not even predicated on a “nonjudgemental, all accepting response“ from the other. Instead, he places the burden on each person to take responsibility for becoming individuated. Individuation is a tricky concept to communicate and he does a superb job of taking his readers on a journey of self-confrontation. The good news is that emotional maturity makes a difference: "Sexual potential and cellulite are positively correlated." The bad news is that this is not a quick fix; you will need to be willing to explore yourself and your pre-conceptions to benefit from this model.

This book is worth your time, your attention, and many good discussions with the one you love.

Love, Honor & Negotiate

Love, Honor and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work, By Betty Carter, M.S.W. and Joan K. Peters (Pocket Books, 1996)

This book about marriage is about money! Betty Carter, a well-known family therapist, tackles a topic that is almost as taboo as sex. In fact, it is often easier for people in our culture to talk about their sexual fantasies than it is to disclose how much money they make. And those of us doing marital therapy will testify that arguments about money are almost indistinguishable from those about sex.

Ms. Carter, however, takes on a very contemporary issue about money and marriage. Specifically, she looks at the large number of relationships that begin with both spouses on fairly equal financial footing, and then change as one partner (usually the wife) stays home with children. She discusses the shifts in power, decision-making and self-esteem that occur when women stop earning money. It is sometimes very difficult to escape the "one dollar, one vote" orientation that covertly accompanies much marital decision-making.

As a wife and mother, Ms. Carter is not by any means opposed to women staying home. She is, however, opposed to marital systems and self-concepts that generate traditional roles for those who don't want them. I found this book a straightforward and useful approach to financial dilemmas facing many current couples.

The Good Marriage

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, By Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, (Houghton Mifflin, 1995)

Rarely have I thought about a psychology book as frequently as I have Judith Wallerstein’s. She interviewed 50 "happy married" couples to explore how people feel in successful relationships. As she did, she promulgated eight developmental tasks for a successful relationship and four "types" of marriage. The categorization of types of marriage--romantic, rescue, companionate, traditional--has been tremendously useful to me.

However, the real value in this book is simply hearing how people who are happily married talk about their relationships. Some describe an abiding romance, but most discuss a sense of belonging together, a true enjoyment of the other person. There is real variability in how much conflict--and even closeness--couples tolerate, but the absence of contempt and meanness is impressive. "How would I be answering that question?", I asked myself repeatedly. "Have we learned to live with our conflict?", "Are we happily married?". I believe this internal yardstick is the true heart of this book. I heartily recommend it.

Master Your Panic

Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life!, By Denise Beckfield, Paperback (May 1998).

While not about couples, this book can make a real difference in people's lives. It is also the book that most frequently gets borrowed out of my office (and not returned because it's so helpful!) Beckfield makes a compelling case about the relationship between abandonment and panic. From there, she helps people identify the triggers for panic attacks and steps to resetore calm and avert an all-out panic attack. She also offers some cognitive therapy techniques and discusses medication. Since many people get some internal warning that a panic attack is imminent, it's very helpful to have something on the bookshelf to turn to for an instant suggestion.

Reconcilable Differences

Reconcilable Differences, by Andrew Christensen, Neil S. Jacobson (Hardcover)

Some of the most important work on marraiges and couple therapy is happening here in Seattle. Christensen and the late Neil Jacobson have been coordinating a multi-city study on marital therapy. Their approach, integrative couple therapy, focuses on the power struggles that couples confront. Many couples, in fact, are perennially "stuck" in these chronic, painful battles. For some, they're overt, for others, they're silent. Whatever the style, when two people fail to find a path through their differences, both are usually miserable.

Christensen and Jacobson do not give a "7-step approach to a happy marriage." They discuss the inevitability of differences between spouses, and how those differences relate to power and control. The key, they offer, is a different level of empathic understanding, leading to acceptance. One of the first important pieces of change happens when a couple can agree on a way to describe the problem.

The examples they give are very real and their solutions are also real in their complexity and humanity. Each chapter has a suggested exercise or "things to think about" at the end. The journey two people face in trying to live a long life together is often arduous, and I appreciate this book because it offers a real, but not simplistic path.

Lesbian Couples

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships; D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green; Seal Press, 2004.

Seattle psychologists Dorsey Green and Merilee Clunis revised their ground-breaking book in 2004. I believe the important contribution in this book is the emphasis on differentiation: how can two women who love one another feel close and stay individuated over time? How can they build intimacy despite power struggles and homophobia? They incorporate the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman mentioned above. You might also check out their other book: The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children.

Blink

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, by Malcolm Gladwell; Back Bay Books, 2007

For John Gottman fans, Malcolm Gladwell devotes a part of this wildly popular book to understanding the science behind Gottman’s conclusions. Can Gottman really predict divorce in 5 hours? Or 5 minutes? If so, how? How do our brains process extremely subtle pieces of information and is there a particular pattern (like a readout of vocal intonations) that is associated with your marriage? Can this pattern be read by others?

the good marriage

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee (Houghton Mifflin, 1995)

Rarely have I thought about a psychology book as frequently as I have Judith Wallerstein’s. She interviewed 50 “happy married” couples to explore how people feel in successful relationships. As she did, she promulgated eight developmental tasks for a successful relationship and four “types” of marriage. The categorization of types of marriage–romantic, rescue, companionate, traditional–has been tremendously useful to me.
However, the real value in this book is simply hearing how people who are happily married talk about their relationships. Some describe an abiding romance, but most discuss a sense of belonging together, a true enjoyment of the other person. There is real variability in how much conflict–and even closeness–couples tolerate, but the absence of contempt and meanness is impressive. “How would I be answering that question?”, I asked myself repeatedly. “Have we learned to live with our conflict?”, “Are we happily married?”. I believe this internal yardstick is the true heart of this book. I heartily recommend it.

Hold Me Tight

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, PhD (Little, Brown, 2008)

Hold Me Tight is the consumer book outlining EFT. The first part outlines the relationship of attachment theory to an adult model of love. From this model of love and thousands of hours spent watching couples sessions, Sue Johnson developed EFT, a systematic and evidence-based model of couples therapy. The second part talks about the “demon dialogues” or cyclical, negative discussions couples get into. These negative cycles fall into a few categories that she also outlines. After understanding that the cycle is the problem, not the individuals involved, Sue has specific questions each partner can answer to help unravel the repetitive nature of these discussions. While not simplistic, the concepts are intrinsically meaningful and the questions are important. This book can stand alone or be used as an effective adjunct to EFT therapy.

The audio version is well done, but may make it difficult to refer back to the questions for further discussions.

Passionate Marriage

Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, By David Schnarch, Ph.D. (Norton, 1997)

Dr. Schnarch's most recent book has been greatly anticipated by his fans in the marital therapy community. He began his odyssey with a critical attack on the Masters and Johnson-style approach to marital therapy where people focused more on their own physiological responses than one another. In this book he develops a staggering idea: that individuals can learn to be fully who they are with one another and through that intimate exposure find themselves awake with sexual energy. Amazingly, he says this individual exposure is not even predicated on a “nonjudgemental, all accepting response“ from the other. Instead, he places the burden on each person to take responsibility for becoming individuated. Individuation is a tricky concept to communicate and he does a superb job of taking his readers on a journey of self-confrontation. The good news is that emotional maturity makes a difference: "Sexual potential and cellulite are positively correlated." The bad news is that this is not a quick fix; you will need to be willing to explore yourself and your pre-conceptions to benefit from this model.

This book is worth your time, your attention, and many good discussions with the one you love.

Love, Honor & Negotiate

Love, Honor and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work, By Betty Carter, M.S.W. and Joan K. Peters (Pocket Books, 1996)

This book about marriage is about money! Betty Carter, a well-known family therapist, tackles a topic that is almost as taboo as sex. In fact, it is often easier for people in our culture to talk about their sexual fantasies than it is to disclose how much money they make. And those of us doing marital therapy will testify that arguments about money are almost indistinguishable from those about sex.

Ms. Carter, however, takes on a very contemporary issue about money and marriage. Specifically, she looks at the large number of relationships that begin with both spouses on fairly equal financial footing, and then change as one partner (usually the wife) stays home with children. She discusses the shifts in power, decision-making and self-esteem that occur when women stop earning money. It is sometimes very difficult to escape the "one dollar, one vote" orientation that covertly accompanies much marital decision-making.

As a wife and mother, Ms. Carter is not by any means opposed to women staying home. She is, however, opposed to marital systems and self-concepts that generate traditional roles for those who don't want them. I found this book a straightforward and useful approach to financial dilemmas facing many current couples.

The Good Marriage

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, By Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, (Houghton Mifflin, 1995)

Rarely have I thought about a psychology book as frequently as I have Judith Wallerstein’s. She interviewed 50 "happy married" couples to explore how people feel in successful relationships. As she did, she promulgated eight developmental tasks for a successful relationship and four "types" of marriage. The categorization of types of marriage--romantic, rescue, companionate, traditional--has been tremendously useful to me.

However, the real value in this book is simply hearing how people who are happily married talk about their relationships. Some describe an abiding romance, but most discuss a sense of belonging together, a true enjoyment of the other person. There is real variability in how much conflict--and even closeness--couples tolerate, but the absence of contempt and meanness is impressive. "How would I be answering that question?", I asked myself repeatedly. "Have we learned to live with our conflict?", "Are we happily married?". I believe this internal yardstick is the true heart of this book. I heartily recommend it.

Master Your Panic

Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life!, By Denise Beckfield, Paperback (May 1998).

While not about couples, this book can make a real difference in people's lives. It is also the book that most frequently gets borrowed out of my office (and not returned because it's so helpful!) Beckfield makes a compelling case about the relationship between abandonment and panic. From there, she helps people identify the triggers for panic attacks and steps to resetore calm and avert an all-out panic attack. She also offers some cognitive therapy techniques and discusses medication. Since many people get some internal warning that a panic attack is imminent, it's very helpful to have something on the bookshelf to turn to for an instant suggestion.

Reconcilable Differences

Reconcilable Differences, by Andrew Christensen, Neil S. Jacobson (Hardcover)

Some of the most important work on marraiges and couple therapy is happening here in Seattle. Christensen and the late Neil Jacobson have been coordinating a multi-city study on marital therapy. Their approach, integrative couple therapy, focuses on the power struggles that couples confront. Many couples, in fact, are perennially "stuck" in these chronic, painful battles. For some, they're overt, for others, they're silent. Whatever the style, when two people fail to find a path through their differences, both are usually miserable.

Christensen and Jacobson do not give a "7-step approach to a happy marriage." They discuss the inevitability of differences between spouses, and how those differences relate to power and control. The key, they offer, is a different level of empathic understanding, leading to acceptance. One of the first important pieces of change happens when a couple can agree on a way to describe the problem.

The examples they give are very real and their solutions are also real in their complexity and humanity. Each chapter has a suggested exercise or "things to think about" at the end. The journey two people face in trying to live a long life together is often arduous, and I appreciate this book because it offers a real, but not simplistic path.

Lesbian Couples

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships; D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green; Seal Press, 2004.

Seattle psychologists Dorsey Green and Merilee Clunis revised their ground-breaking book in 2004. I believe the important contribution in this book is the emphasis on differentiation: how can two women who love one another feel close and stay individuated over time? How can they build intimacy despite power struggles and homophobia? They incorporate the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman mentioned above. You might also check out their other book: The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children.

Blink

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, by Malcolm Gladwell; Back Bay Books, 2007

For John Gottman fans, Malcolm Gladwell devotes a part of this wildly popular book to understanding the science behind Gottman’s conclusions. Can Gottman really predict divorce in 5 hours? Or 5 minutes? If so, how? How do our brains process extremely subtle pieces of information and is there a particular pattern (like a readout of vocal intonations) that is associated with your marriage? Can this pattern be read by others?

this is how it always is book

This Is How It Always Is: A Novel by Laurie Frankel (Flatiron Books, 2017)

I LOVED this book. First, this woman knows how to write:
[She] was also used to conflicting emotions for she was a mother and knew every moment of every day that no one out in the world could ever love or value or nurture her children as well as she could and yet that it was necessary nonetheless to send them out into that world anyway.
Second, the book is about a child who turns out to be trans. But the real story is about how a family sustains their secure attachments while living with this process in their lives.

Hold Me Tight

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, PhD (Little, Brown, 2008)

Hold Me Tight is the consumer book outlining EFT. The first part outlines the relationship of attachment theory to an adult model of love. From this model of love and thousands of hours spent watching couples sessions, Sue Johnson developed EFT, a systematic and evidence-based model of couples therapy. The second part talks about the “demon dialogues” or cyclical, negative discussions couples get into. These negative cycles fall into a few categories that she also outlines. After understanding that the cycle is the problem, not the individuals involved, Sue has specific questions each partner can answer to help unravel the repetitive nature of these discussions. While not simplistic, the concepts are intrinsically meaningful and the questions are important. This book can stand alone or be used as an effective adjunct to EFT therapy.

The audio version is well done, but may make it difficult to refer back to the questions for further discussions.

Passionate Marriage

Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, By David Schnarch, Ph.D. (Norton, 1997)

Dr. Schnarch's most recent book has been greatly anticipated by his fans in the marital therapy community. He began his odyssey with a critical attack on the Masters and Johnson-style approach to marital therapy where people focused more on their own physiological responses than one another. In this book he develops a staggering idea: that individuals can learn to be fully who they are with one another and through that intimate exposure find themselves awake with sexual energy. Amazingly, he says this individual exposure is not even predicated on a “nonjudgemental, all accepting response“ from the other. Instead, he places the burden on each person to take responsibility for becoming individuated. Individuation is a tricky concept to communicate and he does a superb job of taking his readers on a journey of self-confrontation. The good news is that emotional maturity makes a difference: "Sexual potential and cellulite are positively correlated." The bad news is that this is not a quick fix; you will need to be willing to explore yourself and your pre-conceptions to benefit from this model.

This book is worth your time, your attention, and many good discussions with the one you love.

Love, Honor & Negotiate

Love, Honor and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work, By Betty Carter, M.S.W. and Joan K. Peters (Pocket Books, 1996)

This book about marriage is about money! Betty Carter, a well-known family therapist, tackles a topic that is almost as taboo as sex. In fact, it is often easier for people in our culture to talk about their sexual fantasies than it is to disclose how much money they make. And those of us doing marital therapy will testify that arguments about money are almost indistinguishable from those about sex.

Ms. Carter, however, takes on a very contemporary issue about money and marriage. Specifically, she looks at the large number of relationships that begin with both spouses on fairly equal financial footing, and then change as one partner (usually the wife) stays home with children. She discusses the shifts in power, decision-making and self-esteem that occur when women stop earning money. It is sometimes very difficult to escape the "one dollar, one vote" orientation that covertly accompanies much marital decision-making.

As a wife and mother, Ms. Carter is not by any means opposed to women staying home. She is, however, opposed to marital systems and self-concepts that generate traditional roles for those who don't want them. I found this book a straightforward and useful approach to financial dilemmas facing many current couples.

The Good Marriage

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, By Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, (Houghton Mifflin, 1995)

Rarely have I thought about a psychology book as frequently as I have Judith Wallerstein’s. She interviewed 50 "happy married" couples to explore how people feel in successful relationships. As she did, she promulgated eight developmental tasks for a successful relationship and four "types" of marriage. The categorization of types of marriage--romantic, rescue, companionate, traditional--has been tremendously useful to me.

However, the real value in this book is simply hearing how people who are happily married talk about their relationships. Some describe an abiding romance, but most discuss a sense of belonging together, a true enjoyment of the other person. There is real variability in how much conflict--and even closeness--couples tolerate, but the absence of contempt and meanness is impressive. "How would I be answering that question?", I asked myself repeatedly. "Have we learned to live with our conflict?", "Are we happily married?". I believe this internal yardstick is the true heart of this book. I heartily recommend it.

Master Your Panic

Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life!, By Denise Beckfield, Paperback (May 1998).

While not about couples, this book can make a real difference in people's lives. It is also the book that most frequently gets borrowed out of my office (and not returned because it's so helpful!) Beckfield makes a compelling case about the relationship between abandonment and panic. From there, she helps people identify the triggers for panic attacks and steps to resetore calm and avert an all-out panic attack. She also offers some cognitive therapy techniques and discusses medication. Since many people get some internal warning that a panic attack is imminent, it's very helpful to have something on the bookshelf to turn to for an instant suggestion.

Reconcilable Differences

Reconcilable Differences, by Andrew Christensen, Neil S. Jacobson (Hardcover)

Some of the most important work on marraiges and couple therapy is happening here in Seattle. Christensen and the late Neil Jacobson have been coordinating a multi-city study on marital therapy. Their approach, integrative couple therapy, focuses on the power struggles that couples confront. Many couples, in fact, are perennially "stuck" in these chronic, painful battles. For some, they're overt, for others, they're silent. Whatever the style, when two people fail to find a path through their differences, both are usually miserable.

Christensen and Jacobson do not give a "7-step approach to a happy marriage." They discuss the inevitability of differences between spouses, and how those differences relate to power and control. The key, they offer, is a different level of empathic understanding, leading to acceptance. One of the first important pieces of change happens when a couple can agree on a way to describe the problem.

The examples they give are very real and their solutions are also real in their complexity and humanity. Each chapter has a suggested exercise or "things to think about" at the end. The journey two people face in trying to live a long life together is often arduous, and I appreciate this book because it offers a real, but not simplistic path.

Lesbian Couples

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships; D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green; Seal Press, 2004.

Seattle psychologists Dorsey Green and Merilee Clunis revised their ground-breaking book in 2004. I believe the important contribution in this book is the emphasis on differentiation: how can two women who love one another feel close and stay individuated over time? How can they build intimacy despite power struggles and homophobia? They incorporate the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman mentioned above. You might also check out their other book: The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children.

Blink

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, by Malcolm Gladwell; Back Bay Books, 2007

For John Gottman fans, Malcolm Gladwell devotes a part of this wildly popular book to understanding the science behind Gottman’s conclusions. Can Gottman really predict divorce in 5 hours? Or 5 minutes? If so, how? How do our brains process extremely subtle pieces of information and is there a particular pattern (like a readout of vocal intonations) that is associated with your marriage? Can this pattern be read by others?

master your panic book

Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life! by Denise Beckfield (Impact Publishers, 1998)

While not about couples, this book can make a real difference in people’s lives. It is also the book that most frequently gets borrowed out of my office (and not returned because it’s so helpful!) Beckfield makes a compelling case about the relationship between abandonment and panic. From there, she helps people identify the triggers for panic attacks and steps to restore calm and avert an all-out panic attack. She also offers some cognitive therapy techniques and discusses medication. Since many people get some internal warning that a panic attack is imminent, it’s very helpful to have something on the bookshelf to turn to for an instant suggestion.

Hold Me Tight

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, PhD (Little, Brown, 2008)

Hold Me Tight is the consumer book outlining EFT. The first part outlines the relationship of attachment theory to an adult model of love. From this model of love and thousands of hours spent watching couples sessions, Sue Johnson developed EFT, a systematic and evidence-based model of couples therapy. The second part talks about the “demon dialogues” or cyclical, negative discussions couples get into. These negative cycles fall into a few categories that she also outlines. After understanding that the cycle is the problem, not the individuals involved, Sue has specific questions each partner can answer to help unravel the repetitive nature of these discussions. While not simplistic, the concepts are intrinsically meaningful and the questions are important. This book can stand alone or be used as an effective adjunct to EFT therapy.

The audio version is well done, but may make it difficult to refer back to the questions for further discussions.

Passionate Marriage

Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, By David Schnarch, Ph.D. (Norton, 1997)

Dr. Schnarch's most recent book has been greatly anticipated by his fans in the marital therapy community. He began his odyssey with a critical attack on the Masters and Johnson-style approach to marital therapy where people focused more on their own physiological responses than one another. In this book he develops a staggering idea: that individuals can learn to be fully who they are with one another and through that intimate exposure find themselves awake with sexual energy. Amazingly, he says this individual exposure is not even predicated on a “nonjudgemental, all accepting response“ from the other. Instead, he places the burden on each person to take responsibility for becoming individuated. Individuation is a tricky concept to communicate and he does a superb job of taking his readers on a journey of self-confrontation. The good news is that emotional maturity makes a difference: "Sexual potential and cellulite are positively correlated." The bad news is that this is not a quick fix; you will need to be willing to explore yourself and your pre-conceptions to benefit from this model.

This book is worth your time, your attention, and many good discussions with the one you love.

Love, Honor & Negotiate

Love, Honor and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work, By Betty Carter, M.S.W. and Joan K. Peters (Pocket Books, 1996)

This book about marriage is about money! Betty Carter, a well-known family therapist, tackles a topic that is almost as taboo as sex. In fact, it is often easier for people in our culture to talk about their sexual fantasies than it is to disclose how much money they make. And those of us doing marital therapy will testify that arguments about money are almost indistinguishable from those about sex.

Ms. Carter, however, takes on a very contemporary issue about money and marriage. Specifically, she looks at the large number of relationships that begin with both spouses on fairly equal financial footing, and then change as one partner (usually the wife) stays home with children. She discusses the shifts in power, decision-making and self-esteem that occur when women stop earning money. It is sometimes very difficult to escape the "one dollar, one vote" orientation that covertly accompanies much marital decision-making.

As a wife and mother, Ms. Carter is not by any means opposed to women staying home. She is, however, opposed to marital systems and self-concepts that generate traditional roles for those who don't want them. I found this book a straightforward and useful approach to financial dilemmas facing many current couples.

The Good Marriage

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, By Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, (Houghton Mifflin, 1995)

Rarely have I thought about a psychology book as frequently as I have Judith Wallerstein’s. She interviewed 50 "happy married" couples to explore how people feel in successful relationships. As she did, she promulgated eight developmental tasks for a successful relationship and four "types" of marriage. The categorization of types of marriage--romantic, rescue, companionate, traditional--has been tremendously useful to me.

However, the real value in this book is simply hearing how people who are happily married talk about their relationships. Some describe an abiding romance, but most discuss a sense of belonging together, a true enjoyment of the other person. There is real variability in how much conflict--and even closeness--couples tolerate, but the absence of contempt and meanness is impressive. "How would I be answering that question?", I asked myself repeatedly. "Have we learned to live with our conflict?", "Are we happily married?". I believe this internal yardstick is the true heart of this book. I heartily recommend it.

Master Your Panic

Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life!, By Denise Beckfield, Paperback (May 1998).

While not about couples, this book can make a real difference in people's lives. It is also the book that most frequently gets borrowed out of my office (and not returned because it's so helpful!) Beckfield makes a compelling case about the relationship between abandonment and panic. From there, she helps people identify the triggers for panic attacks and steps to resetore calm and avert an all-out panic attack. She also offers some cognitive therapy techniques and discusses medication. Since many people get some internal warning that a panic attack is imminent, it's very helpful to have something on the bookshelf to turn to for an instant suggestion.

Reconcilable Differences

Reconcilable Differences, by Andrew Christensen, Neil S. Jacobson (Hardcover)

Some of the most important work on marraiges and couple therapy is happening here in Seattle. Christensen and the late Neil Jacobson have been coordinating a multi-city study on marital therapy. Their approach, integrative couple therapy, focuses on the power struggles that couples confront. Many couples, in fact, are perennially "stuck" in these chronic, painful battles. For some, they're overt, for others, they're silent. Whatever the style, when two people fail to find a path through their differences, both are usually miserable.

Christensen and Jacobson do not give a "7-step approach to a happy marriage." They discuss the inevitability of differences between spouses, and how those differences relate to power and control. The key, they offer, is a different level of empathic understanding, leading to acceptance. One of the first important pieces of change happens when a couple can agree on a way to describe the problem.

The examples they give are very real and their solutions are also real in their complexity and humanity. Each chapter has a suggested exercise or "things to think about" at the end. The journey two people face in trying to live a long life together is often arduous, and I appreciate this book because it offers a real, but not simplistic path.

Lesbian Couples

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships; D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green; Seal Press, 2004.

Seattle psychologists Dorsey Green and Merilee Clunis revised their ground-breaking book in 2004. I believe the important contribution in this book is the emphasis on differentiation: how can two women who love one another feel close and stay individuated over time? How can they build intimacy despite power struggles and homophobia? They incorporate the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman mentioned above. You might also check out their other book: The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children.

Blink

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, by Malcolm Gladwell; Back Bay Books, 2007

For John Gottman fans, Malcolm Gladwell devotes a part of this wildly popular book to understanding the science behind Gottman’s conclusions. Can Gottman really predict divorce in 5 hours? Or 5 minutes? If so, how? How do our brains process extremely subtle pieces of information and is there a particular pattern (like a readout of vocal intonations) that is associated with your marriage? Can this pattern be read by others?

blink book

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell (Back Bay Books, 2007)

For John Gottman fans, Malcolm Gladwell devotes a part of this wildly popular book to understanding the science behind Gottman’s conclusions. Can Gottman really predict divorce in 5 hours? Or 5 minutes? If so, how? How do our brains process extremely subtle pieces of information and is there a particular pattern (like a readout of vocal intonations) that is associated with your marriage? Can this pattern be read by others?

Hold Me Tight

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, PhD (Little, Brown, 2008)

Hold Me Tight is the consumer book outlining EFT. The first part outlines the relationship of attachment theory to an adult model of love. From this model of love and thousands of hours spent watching couples sessions, Sue Johnson developed EFT, a systematic and evidence-based model of couples therapy. The second part talks about the “demon dialogues” or cyclical, negative discussions couples get into. These negative cycles fall into a few categories that she also outlines. After understanding that the cycle is the problem, not the individuals involved, Sue has specific questions each partner can answer to help unravel the repetitive nature of these discussions. While not simplistic, the concepts are intrinsically meaningful and the questions are important. This book can stand alone or be used as an effective adjunct to EFT therapy.

The audio version is well done, but may make it difficult to refer back to the questions for further discussions.

Passionate Marriage

Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, By David Schnarch, Ph.D. (Norton, 1997)

Dr. Schnarch's most recent book has been greatly anticipated by his fans in the marital therapy community. He began his odyssey with a critical attack on the Masters and Johnson-style approach to marital therapy where people focused more on their own physiological responses than one another. In this book he develops a staggering idea: that individuals can learn to be fully who they are with one another and through that intimate exposure find themselves awake with sexual energy. Amazingly, he says this individual exposure is not even predicated on a “nonjudgemental, all accepting response“ from the other. Instead, he places the burden on each person to take responsibility for becoming individuated. Individuation is a tricky concept to communicate and he does a superb job of taking his readers on a journey of self-confrontation. The good news is that emotional maturity makes a difference: "Sexual potential and cellulite are positively correlated." The bad news is that this is not a quick fix; you will need to be willing to explore yourself and your pre-conceptions to benefit from this model.

This book is worth your time, your attention, and many good discussions with the one you love.

Love, Honor & Negotiate

Love, Honor and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work, By Betty Carter, M.S.W. and Joan K. Peters (Pocket Books, 1996)

This book about marriage is about money! Betty Carter, a well-known family therapist, tackles a topic that is almost as taboo as sex. In fact, it is often easier for people in our culture to talk about their sexual fantasies than it is to disclose how much money they make. And those of us doing marital therapy will testify that arguments about money are almost indistinguishable from those about sex.

Ms. Carter, however, takes on a very contemporary issue about money and marriage. Specifically, she looks at the large number of relationships that begin with both spouses on fairly equal financial footing, and then change as one partner (usually the wife) stays home with children. She discusses the shifts in power, decision-making and self-esteem that occur when women stop earning money. It is sometimes very difficult to escape the "one dollar, one vote" orientation that covertly accompanies much marital decision-making.

As a wife and mother, Ms. Carter is not by any means opposed to women staying home. She is, however, opposed to marital systems and self-concepts that generate traditional roles for those who don't want them. I found this book a straightforward and useful approach to financial dilemmas facing many current couples.

The Good Marriage

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, By Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, (Houghton Mifflin, 1995)

Rarely have I thought about a psychology book as frequently as I have Judith Wallerstein’s. She interviewed 50 "happy married" couples to explore how people feel in successful relationships. As she did, she promulgated eight developmental tasks for a successful relationship and four "types" of marriage. The categorization of types of marriage--romantic, rescue, companionate, traditional--has been tremendously useful to me.

However, the real value in this book is simply hearing how people who are happily married talk about their relationships. Some describe an abiding romance, but most discuss a sense of belonging together, a true enjoyment of the other person. There is real variability in how much conflict--and even closeness--couples tolerate, but the absence of contempt and meanness is impressive. "How would I be answering that question?", I asked myself repeatedly. "Have we learned to live with our conflict?", "Are we happily married?". I believe this internal yardstick is the true heart of this book. I heartily recommend it.

Master Your Panic

Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life!, By Denise Beckfield, Paperback (May 1998).

While not about couples, this book can make a real difference in people's lives. It is also the book that most frequently gets borrowed out of my office (and not returned because it's so helpful!) Beckfield makes a compelling case about the relationship between abandonment and panic. From there, she helps people identify the triggers for panic attacks and steps to resetore calm and avert an all-out panic attack. She also offers some cognitive therapy techniques and discusses medication. Since many people get some internal warning that a panic attack is imminent, it's very helpful to have something on the bookshelf to turn to for an instant suggestion.

Reconcilable Differences

Reconcilable Differences, by Andrew Christensen, Neil S. Jacobson (Hardcover)

Some of the most important work on marraiges and couple therapy is happening here in Seattle. Christensen and the late Neil Jacobson have been coordinating a multi-city study on marital therapy. Their approach, integrative couple therapy, focuses on the power struggles that couples confront. Many couples, in fact, are perennially "stuck" in these chronic, painful battles. For some, they're overt, for others, they're silent. Whatever the style, when two people fail to find a path through their differences, both are usually miserable.

Christensen and Jacobson do not give a "7-step approach to a happy marriage." They discuss the inevitability of differences between spouses, and how those differences relate to power and control. The key, they offer, is a different level of empathic understanding, leading to acceptance. One of the first important pieces of change happens when a couple can agree on a way to describe the problem.

The examples they give are very real and their solutions are also real in their complexity and humanity. Each chapter has a suggested exercise or "things to think about" at the end. The journey two people face in trying to live a long life together is often arduous, and I appreciate this book because it offers a real, but not simplistic path.

Lesbian Couples

Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships; D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green; Seal Press, 2004.

Seattle psychologists Dorsey Green and Merilee Clunis revised their ground-breaking book in 2004. I believe the important contribution in this book is the emphasis on differentiation: how can two women who love one another feel close and stay individuated over time? How can they build intimacy despite power struggles and homophobia? They incorporate the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman mentioned above. You might also check out their other book: The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children.

Blink

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, by Malcolm Gladwell; Back Bay Books, 2007

For John Gottman fans, Malcolm Gladwell devotes a part of this wildly popular book to understanding the science behind Gottman’s conclusions. Can Gottman really predict divorce in 5 hours? Or 5 minutes? If so, how? How do our brains process extremely subtle pieces of information and is there a particular pattern (like a readout of vocal intonations) that is associated with your marriage? Can this pattern be read by others?